Order: One sheet per toilet visit
news.com.au
You think your place of employment sends out screwy directives? Try this one: One sheet per toilet visit.
Pope Makes It Clear He Won't Retire
Newsday
Let's get some things straight: The Chicago Cubs will never win the World Series again; Adam Sandler is not funny and Popes don't retire.
DOJ to swappers: Law's not on your side
CNET News
Grab it while you still can: "John Malcolm, a deputy assistant attorney general, said Americans should realize that swapping illicit copies of music and movies is a criminal offense that can result in lengthy prison terms."
Glass sculpture shattered during party at Chicago conservatory
Nando Times
This reminds of last month when my notorious brother-in-law and I were up at the Ann Arbor Art Fair to surprise his sister, a glass artist. Bro and sis left me in charge of her stall and went cruising the other art stalls for 20 minutes. I decided to shoot pictures of the crowd through her artwork, like this. Unfortunately, I broke one of the pieces in the process, causing everyone within 100 feet to simultaneously say "ohhhhhhhhhhh" in unison. Talk about street choirs!
They Needed a Study for This?
iWon.com News
"British scientists have found even modest amounts of alcohol will make the opposite sex appear better-looking." Everyone looks better closing time, or as Leonard Cohen puts it "Ah we're drinking and we're dancing
and the band is really happening...
and the Johnny Walker wisdom running high.
And my very sweet companion,
she's the Angel of Compassion,
she's rubbing half the world against her thigh.
And every drinker, every dancer,
lifts a happy face to thank her...
the fiddler fiddles something so sublime ..
all the women tear their blouses off--
and the men they dance on the polka-dots...
and it's partner found, it's partner lost--
and it's hell to pay when the fiddler stops:
it's CLOSING TIME."
Menopausal women: {Sex} Use it or lose it
Salon.com
I recall my beloved grandmother telling me this 25 years ago, but I prefer to think that she was referring to walking to the corner store.
Elvis: 25 Years Gone
E! Online
When will this Elvis stuff end? Must every single Baby Boomer die first? I don't want to be reading about Elvis statues crying for the rest of my life.
Suit alleges graphic sexual instruction
Columbia Daily Tribune Via Fark. The lawsuit alleges that the female middle school teacher, among other things, " how girls can use washing machines and bananas for self-gratification and the meaning of the term "69."
Feisty Woman Fights Off Attacker
KTLA5.com
I'll have to email this one to my beloved mother-in-law who despises the term feisty because it is so gender and aged based.
How many times does your heart beat per year?
StraightDope
Let's see: 70 times 60 equals 4200 times 24 equals 100800 times 365 equals 36,792,000. Now let's see what StraightDope comes up with .
Secrets of female orgasm revealed
BBC
"Italian scientists believe they have discovered the secrets of the female orgasm - after finding that the so-called "G-spot" actually exists." I wonder how many times these guys had to work late?
Does Sex Makes Women Sprinters Faster??
Reuters Very Interesting! Two months ago we ran links claiming that semen can heave a beneficial effect on a woman's depression. Today we learn that there is "scientific evidence that women who have sex shortly before competing run better."
It's the Coffee Break That Lasts . . . and Lasts . . . and Lasts
HealthScoutNews
Memo to my Darling Wife: "The measurable effects of drinking four cups of coffee are the difference between working a stressful job at a hospital and spending the day at home."
More men moaning 'I've got a headache'
Ananova
"Almost half of men are too stressed for sex at the end of the working day, compared to just a third of women." Must be all that coffee we are drinking.
Heartfelt Advice, Hefty Fees
NY Times
Feeling manipulated by the media? This will help fuel those fears: Actress Lauren Bacall was on The Today Show recently, telling Matt Lauer about a miracle drug for the treatment of macular degeneration. What neither she nor NBC revealed, however, was that Novartis, the drug maker, paid Ms. Bacall for the appearance. Times login: edportals password: edportals
When Reptiles Attack Anchors
NBC5i.com
You'll need cablemodem or DSL to view this highly funny clip. Click on "feed room" and then watch the area below the snake, because that's where the action is. We ran this one 4x here at the Portal household.
Spamming the World
MSNBC
Meet Al Ralsky who looks like a good guy and lives in suburban Detroit, where I know loads of good guys. But Al makes his living in a most nefarious manner: he sends out more than 30 million e-mails a day.
Sunday Night Offers Annual Meteor Treat
Reuters
This is a reminder to get outside Sunday or Monday night, just before dawn, as the earth passes through the tail of comet Swift-Tuttle.
Thursday 08 August
Hope You Like This, Honey -- I Can't Return It...
Reuters
The latest on the swallowed diamond necklace is that it's going up for sale on Ebay. I wonder what the market would be for a swallowed and reclaimed crown?
Jet contrails leave their mark on climate
UPI
When all commercial air traffic in the country stood still for three days, scientists had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and their findings are not too surprising. Those whispy, pretty contrails up there are slightly warming up the atmosphere.
Dine out with The Sopranos
BBC
More proof that this series is going to be on the air for a long, long time: "HBO is planning to launch a gourmet food line based on its mob family drama. "
AUTO FOCUS review
Ain't-it-cool News
First review I've seen of the very seedy film bio of Hogan's Heroes star Bob Crane which will star Greg Kinnear and will be released this fall.
Hendrix Voted Greatest Guitarist
Reuters
Others were faster, smoother or more fluid, but Jimi had something different: a raw, straight to the bone power that has yet to be equalled.
'Millions' suffered 11 September trauma
BBC
Not surprising since those buildings falling were all we saw for about 24 hours. Over and over again, forever burnt into our psyches.
Adult movies in hotels targeted
Cincinnati Enquirer
An Ohio anti-pornography group is pressuring hotels to stop offering adult pay-per-view movies to guests. No big loss, the movies suck anyway.
Tuesday 06 August
CEO’s Found To Be Al Qaeda Cell Trained To Ruin U.S. Economy
Skewpoint
"The plans detail how these high profile men were lured to clandestine meetings in the Cayman Islands during the late 90’s for what they thought were workshops on illegal tax shelters taught by Arthur Anderson."
Jackie Mason: That's My Line!
intelligencer
The very-brilliant Jackie Mason is not happy with the wants-to-be brilliant Robin Williams.
Clear-Cutting the Radio Forest
Wired.com
What is wrong with this picture? "Clear Channel owns or operates 1,165 radio stations in the United States, including 14 in San Diego alone."
Why me?
Salon.com
A clinical psychologist's look at his patients most oft-asked question and his response. My Darling Wife, by the way, has been saying this same thing for years.
The Camille Paglia IMterview
AndrewSullivan.com
Sullivan, no slouch himself, interviews the Queen of Rant. Check out, for example, what Paglia has to say about Slate.com: "Slate has improved greatly since it took cultural lessons from Salon, but I rarely look at it. I'm too busy watching reruns of Knots Landing on Soap Net channel." NOt everyone likes Paglia, of course, and even Sullivan has his detractors, as in the piece Lemmings at Internet speed over on Kottke.org.
Jesus of the Week
Jesus of the Week
This week's saviour is the Yippee Jesus.
Peggy Noonan: John Paul the Great
WSJ.com
Noonan, former Reagan speechwriter and current contributing editor of the Wall Street Journal, relates her very moving experience when she recently met JPII.
Bush Denounces 'False Religion'
Las Vegas Sun
This is not going to play well on the Arab al-Jazeera television station: "President Bush condemned "some kind of false religion" for motivating Mideast terror attacks."
Traficant Really Wears a Toupee
Austin America-Statesman
Next they'll discover that the earth is not flat. For those who blissfully don't know our fellow Ohio ex-Congressman-turned felon, here he is
Diet Vanilla Coke Coming in Fall- Analyst
Reuters
Yawn...okay, I admit it. It's hot out. It's August. The humidity is high, the inspiration is low and I needed one more link and this is what I came up with. What we've all been waiting for. Diet Vanilla Coke. Now I can get that nap.
Veg-eating smokers 'cheat illness'
BBC
Our Oldest Son Tommy is both a smoker and a long-time veggie and will love this link. Let's hope he doesn't read it.
Saudi prince found dead in desert
Hindustani Times
This makes three in the past week. Probably not giving enough money to the al-Qaida .
Does "assassin" derive from "hashish"?
StraightDope
The tradition of getting tanked and then going out and causing major damage is an old and sacred one.
Humiliation Alleged in Delta Suit
AP
Only in America: "A woman who says she was pulled off an airplane and asked to take a sex toy out of her luggage after it started vibrating is suing Delta Air Lines, saying she was publicly humiliated. "
Scientists To Admit To Practical Joke
Ahead-of-News.com
You'll have to page down about half way to get to this: " 'Every time I see someone eating
a tofu burger, I just bust up laughing," one eminent scientist
will admit."
Congressman Wants to Let Entertainment Industry Get Into Your Computer
FoxNews
This one was sent in by our friend Wayland. A proposed bill would allow the government access to our computers and the power to knock us offline. Don't worry, my friend, if I know computer people as soon as this law is in effect there will be patches available to bypass it.
Fighter plane's laser may blind civilians
New Scientist M from W. Va. passes this one along. Here's a look at the future, my friends: "scattered beams could be powerful enough to damage sight many kilometres away."
Military Works on High-Tech IDs
Washington Post
Cards will encode information about fingerprints or other physical characteristics. One more September the 11th-type event and we'll all be carrying these babies.
Police called to hedgehog sex session
Ananova
Let me get this straight: a 73 yr old woman called the cops, complaining of the noise her neghbors were making while having sex...and it turned out to be mating hedgehogs? Mating Hedgehogs?
Personality Trait May Link Smoking to Panic Attacks
Yahoo News
Very interesting. I used to smoke and I used to have panic attacks , but I stopped having panic attacks about 12 years ago, 3 years after stopping smoking.
Enron scandal hits US banks
BBC
Time to close the Stock Market for the weekend? Whatever happens, this might disrupt our retirement plans, my Darling Wife.
Postal Service ends controversial bonus program for managers
GovExec.com
Which reminds me of a sign I saw the other day in our local post office: "Express Mail can no longer be guaranteed for mail that leaves the state." Which means that the USPO has conceded the overnight mail business to Federal Express and UPS.
Dave's Top Ten Signs You're Going Nuts from the Heat
CBS Oldest Son Tommy doesn't find any of these funny and thinks Dave should "sign off gracefully like Johnny Carson." I, on the other hand, find number two amusing.
Anti-Spam Legislation Opposed By Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby
The Onion
Penis-enlargement pitches that Freud would have a field-day with, debt reduction and/or mortgage come-ons by anonynmous, and therefore fiscally shaky financial instutions, porn sites galore and pleas from unknown Nigerians to use our checking account make up about 85% of my email.
Don’t type that: Yahoo edits e-mail
MSNBC
Speaking of email, check out this craziness: if you have a Yahoo email account and you type certain words in your email, Yahoo automatically changes them! "Medieval." for example, is changed into "Medireview."
Papers Detail Mob Shakedown of Actor
AP
The mob tried to blackmail actor Steven Seagal? They must have been finally fed up that every single one of Seagal's films has been a one-dimensional caricature, wherein Simple Steve, also a karate-expert and 100% good guy, single-handedly takes down the local mob. I mean, how many times can this guy make the same-exact movie?
Man who had sex with underwear-clad dogs forced to flee
Ananova
You know, there are times when many of us think we just might be a little off-center. Maybe we start hearing our late mother's voice or maybe we are seized with an unnatural urge to eat Fried Spam. Then perhaps we look into the mirror and think we recognize crazyness. Forget it, folks. You are not crazy. Meet crazy.
Insurance Won't Cover Spanking
FindLaw
Speaking of weirdness, check this out: "the client accused her attorney of spanking her in 1991, in an attempt to get her to stop fidgeting before her testimony in a breach of peace case."
Allen Iverson Mug Shot
Smoking Gun
See what happens when you live rap? By the way, notice he's not as neatly corn-rowed as he is during the season.
Arriana Huffington: Send the bastards to jail!
Salon.com
Huffington's not talking about Dubya because she, too, is a Republican. Huffington's a good read, but she's no Camille Paglia, but unfortunately Paglia has stopped writing for the online world. However, a Paglia letter to the editor of the Manchester Guardian was published this week. It's not much, but it's all we have.
New breed of TV ads popping up
Atlanta Constitution
And if our phone have screens, you can bet they'll be popping up ads on that as well.
Tuesday 16 July
Pope Sends Condolences for Typhoon Victims in Philippines
Zenit News
The victims families were probably looking for something a little more concrete. Perhaps a Lazarus-like reprieve or at the very least a Mobil speed-pass through the pearly gates..
Donahue's Back, With No plans To Be Neutral
Calendar Live
The main reason I stopped watching was the way he stacked his show: 2 liberal guests and Phil, the lead-liberal of them all, versus one out-shouted conservative. It got tiresome.
Passenger Taken Off Flight for Drunk Pilot Joke
Yahoo News America West can act all tough and no-nonsense now, but the fact remains that it was their two pilots who were busted in the cockpit.
CTV to run The Osbournes uncensored
Toronto Star
Speaking of bleeps, this is why it would have been better had HBO had the series. At times MTV is bleeping out every 3rd word.
College Professors Spread Moral Relativism
NewsMax.com
Only about a quarter of 400 college seniors randomly selected from campuses around the country said their professors taught the traditional view that "there are clear and uniform standards of right and wrong by which everyone should be judged." Wonder if they would feel the same way if their houses were broken into and everything was trashed?
Protesters bare all at bull fiesta
Yahoo News
First the streaker at Wimbledon, then the mad nudists at Pamplona. What's next, a naked reporter at a Bush press conference? Link via Co-Editor Kay. And while we're at it, here's another nudist link.
Dave's Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Summer Camp
CBS
Our darling fifth child Abby is away at camp this week and I hope she doesn't run into number five: "You spend your entire day sewing Nike labels onto pairs of Air Jordans."
Web survey: 'Pop' is not tops
WFAA.com
I recall driving through the North Carolina countryside and asking a lil' ole storekeeper if she had any pop. She perred up at me, over the top of her glasses, and cracked "We don't like Yankees down here!."
Earth 'will expire by 2050'
Manchester Guardian
What bullshit. To paraphrase George Carlin: The earth is going nowhere. On the other hand, Man may expire.
Dutch leader threatens war on liberal lifestyle
Straits Times
Looks like our Oldest Son Tommy won't be going back anytime soon: "The new centre-right Cabinet is likely to question the tolerance shown towards soft drugs, gay issues and euthanasia."
Ohio targets firm behind 24-proof treats
USA Today
What has gotten into Ohio Pols? Why not make it against the law to be unhappy, while we're at it? They want to make it a felony to sell Jello-liquor shots? Why bother? They taste awful.
Photo of the Day
Yahoo News
This is the latest in men's fashion?
Police bust 8 at OWI class
Press-Citizen.com
Yesterday we read about the two America West pilots busted in the cockpit for being intoxicated and today we have this: eight offenders were caught drinking or were already intoxicated at a court-ordered class for convicted drunken drivers. Let us never point the finger again at Russia for having a booze problem.
Your Speedv2.3
Webspeed
Very interersting site via Fark. You can measure your net speed via individual country websites or you can get an overall world-speed. The latter for me, btw, was 406 kbps. I'm interested in what other users are getting. Who has the top speed?
Judge Puts Pledge Decision on Hold Pending Review
ABC News
He woke up Thursday morning, opened his copy of USA Today, saw the incredibly gutsy (and politically suicidal) move that he made and muttered "damn, I have to stop staying up all night playing Asheron's Call."
Savage Love by Dan Savage
Village Voice
Our favorite sex-advice columnist tackles this age-old issue which we have all faced at one time-or-another: "My girlfriend is very loud during sex and it turns out that my roommate has been masturbating to our sounds. Now my girlfriend is talking abut a 3-way with him and I am freaking out. What shall I do?"
Yahoo's Photo of the Day
Yahoo
We run this in honor of our Oldest Son Tommy, dedicated Buddhist and smoker, though he is trying hard to quit. My advice, son, is not to attach to the nicotine!
California Justices OK Age Discrimination in Job Benefits
law.com
We open with this link from Joel from Berlin. It's Joel's first contribution and he adds "Thought that the older you get, the more benefits come your way. Not so
fast, you aging Daddy-O!" Thanks, Joel, and good luck against Brazil.
Darryl Kile's heart was enlarged 25 percent
St Louis Today
You have page down to get to this: "Chicago police confirmed Monday that a bag of "suspected" marijuana had been found in Kile's bathroom. Donoghue said Sunday the drug had "nothing to do" with Kile's death. A final report is not expected for four to six weeks.
" via fark.
White House, Congress condemn decision on pledge
Salon.com
Congress and the White House angrily condemned an appeals court decision against the Pledge of Allegiance on Wednesday, condemning the ruling as an outrage and ‘just nuts.'" Sorry, Congressperson, this was the right decision. Need I remind you that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion?"
Hormones in Semen Shown to Make Women Feel Good
Yahoo
We ran this a month ago, but it's back in the news. All I can say is that for the good of most womankind, get out there fellas and semenize!
Does Martha Stewart's Story Make Sense?
Slate
Frankly the whole Martha-mystique has never made much sense to me. We are expected to believe that she rolls her own pierogi, makes her own dried flower arraingements, stras in her own daily tv show, edits a magazine and still has time to run a major conglomerate?
2002 Webby Award WInners
Webby Awards
The best of the web, including that great make-your own music site looplabs.
Public Wants Jail for Complicit Bishops
ABC News
After learning of our bishop's rather shaky performance on this issue I decided to not renew our Bishops Annual Appeal pledge.
Joe D's hit streak a Fraud?
Ben Maller.com
"What's that you say, Mrs. Robinson?
'Joltin' Joe has left and gone away.' " Via Fark
Dave's Top Ten Responsibilities of the National Guard
CBS
Or Our nine year old son Mike doesn't believe number eight: "When all you lazy people return un-rewound Blockbuster videos, who do you think rewinds them?"
Monday 24 June
Tomorrow is my anniversary
AndrewSullivan.com
Touching thoughts from Sullivan about the 9th anniversary of his testing HIV-positive.
Kingsville evacuated amid plant fire
Windsor Star
We used to have a cottage near Kingsville, Ontario when I was a teen, so it saddens me to read that "There's a black residue on everything. "
R Kelly Breaks Silence on Sex Charges
nme.com
The star expresses his feelings on recent events through the lyrics of 'Heaven, I Need A Hug'. Johnny Cochran wouldn't hurt either.
The Bible and the Apocalypse
Time Magazine
Summer's biggest selling book is about the Apocalypse. This is nothing new. Christians have always thought the end is near.
Hunter kills bird-watcher
London Sun
A birder has been shot dead at a resort lodge by a tipsy hunter who mistook him for a baboon. This reminds me of the time this past spring when I was about a mile deep in the woods, by myself, looking for early-arriving spring warblers when I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a dude with a rifle about 30 yards away, ducking behind a bush. It suddenly dawned on me that it was Turkey-Gun Season and I beat a hasty retreat, making plenty of non-turkey noises along the way.
Initial findings show hardening of artery
ESPN
Initial autopsy diagnosis of St. Louis Cardinal pitcher Daryll Kile is in and it has the likely cause of death being 2 of his major coronary arteries blocked at 85 and 90%. I was in the car with our 14 yr old son Steve when we heard this and Steve immediately asked how that measured up against my own blockages which resulted in a heart attack this past November. Mine were worse. I'm a very lucky guy. Daryll Kile was not.
Bob Seger Releases New Album of Truck Songs
Daily Probe
Look, I like Bob Seger and I used to go hear him when he played in lil' teen club venues way back when, but if I have to hear Like a Rock one more time, I swear I will not be responsible.
NHL approves spectator safety nets
Yahoo Sports
I don't in any way mean to trivialize the tragic death of 13 year old Brittanie Cecil last March, but I bet far more people have died driving home drunk from hockey games, yet they haven't banned beer.
Savage Love by Dan Savage
Village Voice
Our favorite sex-advice columnist digs into his somewhat-nasty mailbag.
Jesus of the Week
Jesus of the Week
This week's saviour is full of hot air.
Ebert's Current Reviews
Chicago Sun Times
Roger's takes on the latest releases, including one I fell asleep in Friday afternoon, even though we were in the fourth row, Lilo and Stitch.
Did Carlos Castaneda hallucinate that stuff in the Don Juan books or make it up?
StraightDope
You know when you see something on the side of the road and you think it's a dog, but when you get closer you realize its just two logs or a bag of garbage, etc? Well, Castaneda's thought that for that split second it really was a dog seemed somehow profound twenty five years ago. Today it just seems silly.
Rates Set for Royalties on Internet
Yahoo News
It could have been much worse: webcasters will be charged at a rate that amounts to 70 cents per song for every 1,000 listeners.
School Says Game of Tag Is Out
Fox News
This simple, ubiquitous game is apparently harmful because of "self-esteem issues among weaker and slower children."
Boy, 7, charged in fatal fire
MassLive
A quite incensed Co-editor Kay passes this one along. I don't understand this quote from the state fire marshall officer in charge of the case: "We want to work with him {the seven year old boy who was the brother of the 2 who died in the fire} to get a positive remedy" A positive remedy?
Livid Italians allege Cup 'plot'
CNN
I watched most of this the other afternoon and while the Italian star Francesco Totti was unfairly tossed for faking an injury when he was actually hurt, the fact remains that Totti had earlier been flopping around like Bill Laimbeer on a good day, so I think the referee had finally had enough and broomed the idiot.
Dave's Top Ten Least Popular Summer Jobs
CBS
We dip back 6 years for this golden-oldie, with the funniest one being number seven: "U.S. census worker in charge of counting Starbucks."
Wednesday 19 June
Man Loves His Coffee Crisp
The Toque
This is meant to be humorous, but it's no joke: I love Coffee Crisp and it's probably a good thing we can't get it here in the States.
Wrestler Steve Austin Accused of Beating Wife
Reuters
Why this doesn't surprise me: This guy openly swills beer on tv, sneers at all authority and states that the bottom line is "because Steve Austin says so!"
Innocence goes belly up
Access Atlanta
I noticed this 3 weeks ago at a local basketball tournament: "The clothing of teenage girls, including teens as young as 12 and 13, has been getting consistently lower and tighter flaunting 'breasts, bellies and bottoms' as never before."
Who Killed Jesus?
StraightDope
I think Paul makes it pretty clear in 1 Thessalonians Chapter 2, verses 14-15: it was the Jews..
Supreme Court Says Religious Group May Solicit
Reuters
The US Supreme Court held Monday that the Jehova's WItnesses have a constitutional right to come up on your doorstep and ring your bell and that's ok with me. A few years ago I questioned one Witness, pointing out that years ago another Witness on my porch told me that only 144,000 elect would be saved in the end. My query was: "Now that you have millions of members, how does that 144,000 number stand up?" He immediately answered "that 144,000 is the administrative level in heaven." "Sounds like hell to me," I shot back.
Finder's guide to Deep Throat
Spike Magazine
If it were this guy, it wouldn't surprise me one bit: University of Illinois Journalism students studied the identity of the unknown character Deep Throat and now think they have their man.
Photo of the Day
Yahoo News
This makes my support of the Red Wings look lukewarm. And while we're at it, here's a related photo.
Pimps and Gangs Subtracted From Math Test
Reuters
What was going through this idiot's mind? "A Canadian teacher has been suspended after shocking a small northern Manitoba school by distributing a math exam that included questions about pimps, prostitutes, machine guns, cocaine trafficking and getting "knocked up." "
Red Wings sink Hurricanes
for Stanley Cup
NHL.com
The day we Wings fans have been waiting for is here. I wish I could get back up there for the parade on Monday.. I packed the van with kids the last time we won. We had to leave Hooterville at 4 a.m. to make it but, of course, we had a great time.
Wings good, but not among great dynasty teams
Mlive
I totally disagree. It's a whole lot harder to win nowadays. For example, there's much more travelling and the playoffs are twice as long. This fellow is full of it.
Hurricanes fans go home unhappy
Canadian Press
It will take several years before the fans down there will realize just how precious this run of theirs was.
Fan takes beating for slimy tradition
Detroit Free Press
If you watched game four of the Stanley Cup Finals, from Raleigh, the other night perhaps you recall an octopus hitting the ice. The octopus is a symbol of Detroit hockey supremacy and the fellow who dared to toss it behind enemy lines apparently paid a heavy price for doing so.
Photo of the Day
Yahoo News
This has to be the end of this guy's career, doesn't it?
Making Spam Go Splat
Washington Post Email spam is up 600% over the past year. Something must be done at the federal level.
Oral-sex issue hits middle schools
Lexington Herald-Leader
Using Clintonian logic many youngsters today do not equate oral sex to intercourse, with a rise in STD's being the result.
Paper Falls for Gag in Humor Tabloid
Reuters
Remember the link we ran last week from The Onion which claimed COngress was threatening to leave DC for Memphis or Charlotte? Well, it turns out that Beijing fell for it and ran the piece as a legitimate story.
Sir Mick? Reports Say Jagger to Get Knighthood
Reuters
"Jagger's failure in the past to bag a knighthood has been put down to his hedonistic lifestyle," the Sunday Times said. "Since he first came to prominence with the Rolling Stones in the early 1960s, he has publicly played the bad boy." And I suppose Elton John or Paul McCartney haven't lived hedonistic lives?
One reported dead in fans' rampage
ESPN
No, this didn't happen in Detroit or Los Angeles and vodka just might have been part of the problem.
Joe Louis Arena
WTOL
You may start to understand now, Wayland, what you are up against: New parents "Nick and Sarah Arena gave birth to a baby boy early Thursday morning at St. Luke's Hospital. They're huge Detroit Red Wings fans, so when they found out they were having a boy, they decided to name him Joe Louis...as in the stadium where the Wings play. Add in their last name and he's Joe Louis Arena."
Savage Love by Dan Savage
Village Voice
Our favorite sex advice columnist tackles that age-old issue which we have all faced at one time or another: ". But now, almost two years later, he is seriously lacking lust. I have to BEG him for sex. I am a young, attractive girl. I love to try new things! I love to suck cock and I have very big, perky breasts. You'd think he'd be all up on that! I feel so ugly and unloved because he is constantly turning me away. He says I am a nympho and tells me he'd rather jerk off...What should I do?"
This Week in Sex
Nerve.com
Speaking of sex, here's the week in review.
Jesus of the Week
Jesus of the Week.
This week's saviour is the "coy seducer."
Why are women always cold?
StraightDope
Isn't that the truth? My Darling Wife and I will fight over the car's thermostat for hundreds of miles.
Punk Icon Dee Dee Ramone Dead
E! Online
There's no business like show business: Police discovered drug paraphernalia in the home, including a syringe on the kitchen counter. In other entertainment news, singer R. Kelly is trying to post 750,000 bail. He faces seven counts of directing the videotaping of child pornography, seven counts of producing the video and seven counts of enticing an underage girl into illicit acts. Meanwhile, songstress Dionne Warwickescaped a drug rap by cutting a deal. Finally, former Brit pop star, and convicted child pornographer, Gary Glitterwill be deported from Thailand, if he can be found.
Late burst lifts Red Wings
to Finals tie
NHL.com
It's the National Hockey League, dammit; not the National Referee's League, put away the whistles and let them play.
Discarded cell phones piling up
CNN Co-editor Kay passes this one along and here''s a stat I would never have thought about: "people living in the United States will soon be getting rid of about 130 million mobile phones every year."
Strange ramblings in Woody Creek
Las Vegas City Life
Long, bizarre conversation on drugs, politics and the 30th anniversary of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with outlaw journalist Hunter S. Thompson
Caregivers addressing sex among the elderly
Chicago Tribune
I've heard it said many times that if you are male and still alive past the age of 70 then you have it made in the shade, whether the plumbing works or not.
India plans war within two weeks
London Telegraph
It's interesting how America justifies its own rage at Muslim extremists, but trivializes India's anger.
Detroit mayor calls wrong N.C. city
Detroit Free Press
Must be a Piston fan: Detroit mayor called Charlotte mayor to "bet" on Stanley Cup finals.
Top Ten Signs Phil Jackson Is Truly A Zen Master
CBS
Some funny ones, led by number 5: Answered Zen riddle, "What's the sound of one hand clapping?" by showing clip of crowd at Clippers-Grizzlies game.
Sears Corrects an Earlier Mistake
Business 2.0
In an effort to spruce up it's rather dowdy image, the giant merchandiser picks off Land's End.
2002 National NOW Conference:
Linking Arms in Dangerous Times
NOW
Yhe most interesting part of this announcement lies at the very bottom of the page: "Please note that in consideration of those with allergies and respiratory problems, the 2002 National NOW Conference is a scent-free event. Participants are asked to use unscented products in lieu of scented toiletries and detergents, and to refrain from wearing perfumes and colognes."
Judge rejects vampire defense
Active Dayton.com
Court rejects an Ohio man's claim that he was justified in using force against his estranged wife because she was a vampire. Sounds like a disguised insanity defense to me. Via Fark.
Why do we eat "beef" and "pork" rather than "cow" and "pig"?
StraightDope
For the same reason that Catholics say "Bless us, Oh Lord, and these they gifts, which we are about to receive" instead of praying "which we are about to eat." It seems less bloody that way.
Dolphin Show Extols The Virtues of Environmentalism, Captivity
Ridiculopathy
Funny stuff: "They are intelligent, caring creatures with complex speech and social patterns. To prove that, we're going to make them jump through these multi-colored hoops and jump twenty feet into the air to the beat of K.C. and the Sunshine Band."
UK women celebrate Poles record
BBC
The first all-female expedition reaches the North Pole. Bet they had to stop for directions at every gas station along the way.
German claim on Hitler art rejected
BBC
The US Supreme Court upholds the US Army's seizure of some of Hitler's artwork under the phony theory that the art was confiscated "in order to de-Nazify Germany."
Yahoo Photo of the Day
Yahoo
I find very little of Adam Sandler's work funny, but this worked.
Uproar After Comments on Argentina
Las Vegas Sun
Oops part II: Thinking he was speaking off-the-record, the president of Uruguay says that Argentines are a bunch of thieves.
Shark Bites Swimmer In Florida
CNN
And so the human-sushi season starts. I used to spend hours and hours in the water on end.. now my stock excuse is going to be, "I'm too old for this."
Savage Love by Dan Savage
Village Voice
Our favorite sex-advice columnist is back and tackles that age-old question which we have all asked at one time-or-another: "While I was leafing through some porn galleries online I swear I saw pics of my ex-girlfriend. How can I bring it up with her?"
NFL commissioner
Sports by Brooks
Brooks, the Sports Babe, has NFL commish Paul Tagliabue's lame-ass answer to "Is the NFL ready for a gay player? Via fark.
Crime falls in cannabis trial area
BBC
Intriguing: "The south London borough which is piloting a scheme to treat cannabis offenders more leniently has seen a dramatic drop in the level of street crimes."
Why Angry People Can't Control the Short Fuse
NY Times
Uh oh, this type of driver sounds like me: "These people live on a razor's edge," he continued, "always vigilant and tense, angry because they want to get someplace quicker and think that they can somehow clear the highway."
Times login: edportals password: edportals
Insects invade Thai supermarkets
Environmental Network News
Insect fast food founder believes "crispy, crunchy crickets will replace popcorn as a favorite snack in cinemas." Get this: their slogan is: 'Never mind the look, it tastes great.'"
Can we sue our own fat asses off?
Salon.com
Rather than sue the purveyors of junk food, as some activists now want to do, co-editor Kay suggests that restaurateurs be sued for selling meals that could feed 3 people.
Coca-Cola Allegations Bubble
CBS News
Coke is of repackaging nearly out-of-date soda cans and bottles and then reselling them at stores in minority neighborhoods. reminds me of when My Darling Wife and I went into an inner-city grocery store in Detroit to buy batteries for my digital camera one early Sunday morning. We were there for her 8th grade reunion, The clerk sold me some duracells in what looked to be a previously opened package, but he assured me that was not the case. Twenty minutes into my photo-taking, the batteries went dead.
Today in fiction
Salon.com
Nice tribute to a book I've read hundreds of times, "Goodnight Moon."
Married men have less testosterone
Cosmiverse
When two of our boys get into one of their famed "I-HATE-YOU" shouting and punching matches, my Darling Wife has been known to look my way and whisper "testosterone.....it can be an evil thing."
Weakland’s Exit
National Review Online
This guy has been a liberal bulldog in our church for years, and now he's humbled. How appropriate.
Dan Savage: Savage Love
Village Voice
Our favorite sex=advice columnist is back and tackles that age-old issue which we have all faced at one time or another: "I'm straight and like to wear things. Is that weird?"
Legendary Sam Snead Dies
BBC
It was said of this legendary golfer that "Watching Sam Snead practice hitting golf balls was like watching a fish practice swimming."
No Sex, Please, We're Sailors
Canoe.ca
Wives aren't allowed to accompany their sailor husbands on board the HCMS Charlottetown to New York, raising questions about all those female sailors sleeping on the same ship.
Cybercrooks Put New Spin on Old Scam
CBS
Let's see. If people are gullible enough to reach into their wallets for an email from an "American Special Forces Commando".. wonder if we can run a scam from an "Impoverished American School" ?
Photo Of The Day
Yahoo
Oh, my achin' acrophobia. Whatever happened to barrels?
Wings Fly Past Avs in Overtime
MSNBC
They must be charmed: The Wings won on an OT goal by a guy who hadn't had a playoff goal in 10 years. It's the stuff that playoffs are made of.. like a certain homerun in a certain World Series which shall remain nameless.
Family stunned by sudden death
Calgary Sun
Family, friends and fans worldwide mourn the tragic loss of wrestling legend Davey Boy Smith Wanna bet it's steroid related?
Photo of the Day
AP
Noted agnostic dies. Now knows the truth, one way or the other .
Lawmakers: New terrorist attack almost certain
SNN
Our eight year old son Mikey sends in this link and adds that "we don't have to worry since we don't live in a big city." Good point, son!
Consumer Guide by Robert Christgau
Village Voice The Dean of American Rock Critics is back with his monthly column, including a review of the latest from the Blind Boys of Alabama.
Jesus of the Week
Jesus of the Week.
WPWJP? {What Position Would Jesus Play?}
Tracking Michigan's Wildlife: Bird's-Eye Viewing
Detroit Free Press
Oh, c'mon. Isn't this akin to fishing with a fishfinder? Where's the fun
sport in that? Somehow, I just can't see Ed poring over a Doppler radar.
Defamed Cambodian Prince Awarded Less Than 1 Cent
ABC News Online
Cambodia's Prince Norodom Ranariddh feels that justice has been served. If only thousands of lawsuit-happy Americans felt the same way about the American dollar.
Wearable Computers Enhance the World
CNN
Scary. Just scary. Are they going to computer-enhance flowers and birds
and such, too? What about people? How do you keep from walking into people and posts while reading those things? It was funnier when Buster Keaton did it with a newspaper in his face.
Syringe Sweets Cause Concern
BBC
Okay, this is even scarier. Much worse than those candy cigarettes we bought when we were kids.
Choking at the Bowl
Slate
Men and drinks and ballparks make for an odd article.
Singer Faces Charges
Miami Herald
Dionne Warwick apparently stashed her glaucoma medicine in her lipstick case, which made the airport security people suspicious.
Satanic Albums Found To Contain Subliminal Bible Passages.
The Online Newspaper Gazette Funny Stuff to start off our day: "you try to raise them right by the Dark Lord, and these people go and put these Bible passages in there! It makes me sick!"
Lindh says he had First Amendment right to associate with al-Qaida
Oregon Live
Sorry, Johnny-Boy; come up with something better, please. I'd guess that any legal sympathy for this line of argument evaporated when those jets smashes into the WTC, killing over 3000 people.
Sunbather Mistaken for Kournikova Due to Nipples
Reuters
What I don't about this Benneton heiress being mistaken for Kournikova case is this: If the Benneton woman had just shut up, nobody would have known it was her. So, in effect, she created her own damages.
'Sopranos' Finally Coming Back
E! Online
After a year and a half's absence thanks to series mastermind David Chase's perfectionist ways, the popular HBO mobster series is returning.
Antarctic Warming Alarms Scientists
CBS
It's global warming! No, it's not! Yes it is! No, it's not! The argument goes on, and now Mother Nature puts in her two cents' worth.
God Re-Floods Middle East
The Onion
His way of saying "Enough already!" and irrigating the Middle East at the same time.
George Carlin Turns 65
fark.com
The controversial stand-up comedian reflects back on his life's philosophies. Via Fark.
Patently Provoking a Debate
L.A. Times
The timeworn joke is "to invent a better moustrap". In this article, an inventor has taken this a step further, and now the U.S. Patent Office finds itself facing an awkward dilemma.
Anchor Hopes to Unseat Rather
TV Guide Brian Williams as the heir apparent? Why not a woman? And, please, hold the Star Jones emails.
Wild Man Blues Clues
NY Observer
Nice piece about the recently-departed Steve from Blues Clues, a show that's on 16 hours a day in our house, or so it seems at times.
Did Jimmy Carter really see a UFO?
StraightDope
I have no opinion, but I do recall, back in 1980, seeing some Billy Beer one day and I told my Darling Wife that I should have picked up a 6 pack and stashed it away, as an investment. Today you can pick up a six pack on EBay for 20 bucks, so I'm glad I didn't get it.
Cosmic catastrophe 'a certainty'
BBC
And scientists report it will probably happen before the Red Sox or Cubs will win the World Series.
Life on Earth by Luke Halder
The Smoking Gun
A copy of a bizarre six-page manifesto, of sorts, written by Luke Helder, who has been charged in connection with the recent mailbox bombings.
What did the census at the time of the birth of Christ accomplish?
StraightDope
Good answer by Cecil points out something that has bothered me for a long time: "The notion that each male would have to register in the home town of a remote ancestor is unbelievable." It's not like these guys had cars and could bop on over to their native town.
Man Hordes Free AOL Hours to Prolong Life
National Lampoon
This is how I feel when I make a traffic light. All the minutes I've saved beating yellows will bring me at least 2-3 extra years of life.
Tea May Protect Heart Attack Survivors
Reuters
Oddly enough, I switched from being a heavy coffee drinker to drinking 2-3 cups of green tea a day about 4 months before my heart attack. Some might say that I wasted my time since I had the heart attack anyway.
Hunter S. Thompson: Dr. Thompson in Beirut
ESPN
In what like a good-bye column, The Good Doctor lays out his plans to move to Beirut. My guess is that he can't bare baseball, so he'll lie low until the pigskin flies again this September.
Openly gay Dutch politician assassinated
Advocate.com
Was Pim Fortuyn killed because he was gay, as this headline suggests, or was it because of his vehement anti-immigration (anti-Muslim) views?
The Church Needs a New Direction
Newsday
Speaking of the crisis, here's a typical puff piece by a fellow who left the Church 20 years ago to become an Episcopalian but somehow thinks he is a member of both churches. Statistics show that the Episcopalians have been losing members at a far greater rate than Catholics, so perhaps he should concentrate on his own problems.
Photo of the Day
Yahoo News JPII's reaction to the current pedophile crisis?
Do you know a guaranteed love charm recipe?
StraightDope
"I told her that I was a flop with chics....
I've been this way since 1956....
She looked at my palm and she made a magic sign....
She said "What you need is Love Potion Number Nine."
Nude Male Stars
bad-boyz.net
I've been getting a fair amount of {female} email complaining about the lack of reciprocity when it comes to showing skin. This should even things up. Via Fark.
Current Ebert Reviews
Chicago Sun Times
Roer's takes on the latest releases, including one we will surely not see: Spider-Man.
Ode to the OED
Village Voice
To show you how crazy things are around our house, the OED is the dictionary we use whenever we play Scrabble.
Savage Love by Dan Savage
Village Voice
Our favorite sex-advice columnist tackles that age-old problem which we have all faced at one-time-or-another: "I discovered that my father secretly videotaped my wife and me while we were mak,ing love and whenever I make love to her now thoughts of that tape pop into my head and I go limp. What can I do?"
This Week in Sex
Nerve.com
The week in review includes effects of 9-11 on Australian hookers.
Photo of the Day
Yahoo News Brother in law Henry gives the thumbs up for this one.
Confederate Group Wins Car Tag Fight
Washington Post
Rebel spokesperson says "When people see us riding down the road with these license plates, know that the man riding behind the wheel is honoring his family." Yet, at the same time he "said the group rejects the racist beliefs of organizations that in the past used the Confederate battle flag as a rallying symbol against blacks." Look, pal, you can't have it both ways. This needs to go to the US Supreme Court asap.
Friday 03 May
I Lied About Making $80,000 Working From Home... And So Can You
The Onion
This reminds me of our 13 year old son Steve who told me the other day that "Dad, I know how to get rich! I am going to put an ad into the newspaper, telling people that if they send in $2 I will mail them the secret to get rich! When they send in the money, I'll send them a sheet of paper telling them to take an ad out in the newspaper like I did."
McCartney halts Hey Jude lyrics sale
Yahoo UK News
I bet if I scoured the online press just a lil' harder I'd come up with one Beatles-related link news item per day.
God Re-Floods the Middle East
The Onion Jehovah makes a comeback: "The Lord made the decision to go ahead with His second Great Flood after last-ditch U.S.-Saudi peace initiatives were rejected Monday night."
Bye-Bye SAT
Yahoo News My Darling Wife just loves to point out how much higher her score was. I think it was by 10 points?
U.S. witches say Christians violated their rights
Reuters
This would anger anyone: "Christian neighbours violated their rights on the evening of March 16 when they showed up for a sacred spring equinox ceremony in the parking lot of a local Pagan gift shop, praying loudly to Jesus while drowning out their singing and chanting with Christian praise music."
Time: The Infinite Question
Buddhist News Network
Page down to last Friday's link from the BBC to the article Universe in endless cycle. There you will see me favorably comparing that theory to Buddhism. Well, I'm not alone, as the Buddhist News Network now throws their two cents in.
Photo of the Day
Yahoo News
Everything, but the universe, must end. But, wait....aren't we all part of the universe?
Gynecomastia Gallery
gynecomastia.org
I've been getting a fair amount of flack over some recent links and, therefore, to avoid being accused of one-sidedness, I offer this site. Via Fark. And, I'd like to point out to those who have emailed me, that I did not link to last Tuesday's Photo of the Day in the Photo of the Day link today.